Cognoscenti.

I love writing.
I love that I dont do it that often.
I appreciate it more that way.
I let things prefabricate and then...
A masterpiece of my mind.
Or at least I would like to believe so....
Its apparent that others may not feel the same.

I always start off not knowing what I want to express.
All I know is the title.
Usually it all starts with a concentrated emotion.
& Here you are.

I love using Large words. Which is another reason why I enjoy
writing. (I could care less about grammer in a text)
I like the intricacy. Our vocabulary which is germanic (& stolen from other
countries) Is very beautiful & Has been decomposed.

I like to learn a new word everyday. Today the word is. Abstergent.
Definition; cleansing. Which absolutely fits my caprice and will contribute to my
rhapsody.

I didnt realize how straightforward my last post was but I think I had had enough of my own stupidity. I wish I could paint a picture for you the experiences I have been exposed to over the past 4 months. It has been absolutely astounding. The changes and renewing of my mind & body have placed me exactly where I need to be. I do want to apologize for my strong use of words and I hope that no one was offended.
I feel like the lord gave me a swift kick. These kind of lessons are amazing. He knows me. Every little piece of me. My intentions and shortcomings. I love that regardless of what animostity or crude judgements I may feel from others...He loves me and wants me near to him. HIS love can not be measured. He is our supreme authority. No one else can condemn us.

I speak for women & men when in often times it has appeared that others may think they are of a higher stature due to thier living circumstance, income, education, and social cailber. Recurrently without word it has been apparent that to them we are not enough. I will say this to you. You are wrong. I have never been one to defend myself. I shouldnt have to. No one should ever make you feel less than what you are. OR make you to believe they are better. This is impossible for we are all loved them same. With all the possible situations I have ever been in, I have never forgetten my worth. I hope each of you will remember yours as well.

I can say realizing my mistakes & making a concious effort to correct and take accountiability for my actions has left me in a siege of happiness. I have never been more full and understanding of myself before now. Iam so grateful for the lords Abstergent power, blessings and also the positive influences that have come and gone in my life. Thank you all for always loving and being patient with me.

Save lives, thats what we are here to do.
We must watch what we say , and be gentle with others.
Because we could lose a life.

Disclaimer: This is in not regards to a specific situation. There have been several occurances that I have experienced that have led me to this OPINION which iam completely entitled to obtain. If you feel like this might be in reference to you, you might owe someone an apology.

(Please excuse my spelling errors)

Why Not.

I have been thinking about blogging but
 lately I haven't had time.
Much has been going on in my life. 


My apologies. Kinda. 
Have to give credit
where credit is due...
I was prematurely inspired. 
Yes that makes sense. 


But yes for my fans,
 I owe you a huge explanation. 
All 2 of you. 


When difficulties arise You can either choose fear or faith. 
Im sure all of you can guess. I made the counterfactual choice. 
Which is another reason, I haven't been around. 
Alot of operose things have been happening in my life.

I feel like I have made sacrifices in order to gain momentarily. 
You think I would have learned many years ago. How to overcome 
opposition. So All I can ask is that you dont judge me because
although we are alike, I sin differently than you. 


Things that Have been Amazing.
Orrin, the peach of my tree. 
Making straight A's, in school.
Work has been promising. 
Financially stable, feels good.
Living situation, comfortable. 
Social Life, prodigious. 


Notice I left out an Important subject or two. 
Without having to claim, I think You can figure
my priorities are fucked. To be without reserve. 
 The most important things in my life are now on 
the back burner to my successes and selfish desires.

My weekends comfortably, have turned into ethanol induced slumbers. 
Postponed bedtimes and welcoming the daylight with cherry eyes. 
Why is it that I always want to blame others for my nonsensical decisions. 
Thats how it all started. I finally overcame the renegement that its always 
my fault and always has been. Only because I was stronger than I gave 
myself credit for. 


Ive drained myself of my drive to endure. 
Im trying to convince myself I have more and iam
not the person I am believing myself to be. 
I KNOW this with imperishable confidence. 
Where to now. I have my goals but to include
my orthodoxy and passion for christ (which is
unwaivering) is the ultimate compliance.


 I hate this journey and
how damn repetitive it is. The End. 

Embers.

I love November.

Its beautiful.The feelings.The colors.

Its always a happy month. Not too cold.

Love Pumpkin everything!

Im very content & comfortable.

Although Ive have been struggling financially.

I dont feel like its important enough to freak about.

I have everything I need. My Bills are paid.

I just have nothing to save & nothing to play with.

Im very ok with that. I have nothing to hide.

Because whats most important to me, Im very aware of.

Iam glad I didnt let you get me down.

Its been such an eye opening experience. This past month & a half.

I feel very comfortable with myself. Like I just met me, for the first time.

I like me under pressure. Its been a smooth transition.

It feels good. I feel kept. I felt like Ive been wholesome with my

very little spare time. I feel strong. I have my plan. I like what it looks like. 

Iam heading there.  

This year has been a constant fire burning. Exploding at me with difficulties from every angle. As It closes

the Embers from the detonation are slowly fading. Not me. Iam a steady consistant light among the ash. Holding on. Through out my search this year,(while searching for the wrong things) I did grasp one thing out of the combustion. We will be held responsible for our surrender. The difference between a righteous man & unrighteous man. Is a righteous man is continually repenting, growing, and striving to become better. Unrighteous thinks he is done repenting & believes in an end to the work toward glory, when there is Not. We must keep crawling, falling, and reaching.

Good things are Here. I can feel it burning within me. I KNOW IT. I am so Excited & thankful for these changes.

RoadKill.

I knew what I wanted to start with. Thats where I always start. I never know where I want to go with it, but after falling asleep with a head swollen with new forms of chagrin. I have no idea how im going to make it through my day. NO, like seriously. 


It seems like we find ourselves aimlessly wandering in the dark, not knowing what path we are on. Where we are heading. Whats around the corner. Then those headlights come quicker than ever, and all you can do is freeze because you don't want to go back where you came from, and you don't know what lies ahead. 


This can all be avoided.


I don't know what to say about the past couple of months. I draw a blank. Which happens alot apparently. Maybe I should start with the past year. Since its all I can think about and is coming to a close. 
I have been living with my parentals. Which has been so helpful since I needed to get back on my feet. Stressful beyond understanding, because I take pride in being independent.
I have always been on my own and moving back in with them was a humbling experience, because regardless of what we want to admit.


We all need help. 


Thats hard for me to admit. I'am hard headed, opinionated, prideful, unbiased, and angry at times. (I have good character too, the bad is what most of us run from) I have been hiding it. Trying to Live past it. I have been angry at myself for a while. I have let go of things that are of value to me. The year started off great and things that matter casually began to dissipate from my grasp. All too abruptly, good things started to present opportunity. I wasn't ready. I was caught in those headlights. Stuck. We all know what happens from there. 


Due to my foul discrimination. I wasn't ready for the abundant blessings that where being placed in my path. Undeserving Iam and my Heavenly Father still loves me, and puts good before me. I now realize there is no easy way. He knows me all to well. He knows my strong mind, he knows my strength and that iam capable. Hes not going to hand me the answers. I have to find them out. I need his help, ALL of the time. 


Smeared across the Pavement, is where I have found myself. Like a baby fox, gone astray from my safe protective pack. Tainting the concrete. Because I let go, each time. The only difference between us is, baby fox has been obliterated, lacerated never to breathe again. I have been forgiven, redeemed and can stand again. The act of wandering to the dark road is all the same. If we wander in the light we can see further ahead. 


Roadkill; To be or not to be.

Take a Deep Breath.

I know Its been forever and a day. I have been Talking about Writing you guys, Iam ashamed to say I couldnt deliver. My wise words get lost in my head. I cant put them together and then they dont come out right.


Tonight is no different than the others. Except for I have time. 


Summer. I hate it. Mainly because theres kids running around everywhere. If you know me. You know I dont like other peoples kids. They are bad, and I cant spank them. Secondly summer is hated by me because things get jumbled, no organization, no strict schedules etc... I cant blame anyone but myself. I knew it would happen. I prayed to have guidance over the summer, and forgot to go half way. Im sure it was there, I just didnt make time to listen. This summer has sucked. I have had great nights, met amazing people, seen beautiful places, seen tragedy, cried over my grandmother, and have felt hope. Hope that things can always and will always change. Thats the beauty of this life. 




*Take a deep breath* My grandmother shes dying. Its sad, its hard. Being the person Iam, Iam very comfortable with death. Its probably because of my beliefs. Its harder to see her bleeding, hurting, and unresponsive, then to watch her die. I think she is content and will be happy with what is waiting for her. I remember growing up with her around and I am so grateful to have her here today. I do need to thank her for raising my amazing father along with his brothers and sisters. They are beautiful loving people and I would not be the woman Iam had she not demanded that they know the Lord. Iam grateful for her struggle for she has made mine, but a walk among many others. I love You Juanita Cobb Harkey. 


*Take a deep fresh breath of air* I love it here. Its Green. Its happy and I can sleep all day. Its raining. This is crazy. We are not in Texas anymore. Everyone is happy, of course we arent in Texas. Dance for me. I love this song. Sing to Me. Are you ok? Hes sexy. My legs hurt. I cant walk. Stem Please. I love you bestie. Thrust dance. Porch swing. Guitar. Can I keep you. This food sucks. Sing it Pastor. Why is she crying? Reading a good book. Happy Anniversary. Whos hand was that? Riding in cars with Boys. Dirt Road anthem. Enigma. Blueberry pancakes. Over Hard Bacon. Bear sightings. Wait for me. Dont let me talk to him. She did what? undisclosed desires. Heeeres Krejci! Lmbo. Half bubbles please. Round bed Morning meetings. He needs to slow down. Imma Bad driver. Stop talking. Tennessee Ill Be back. You Owe me. 


*Take another deep breath* He was broken in pieces. I dont even think he knows how he got there. He was laying on the rocks. Begging us to take of his shoes, where there were none. The flames lit up the night sky. You could hear the sirens still miles away. How was he crawling? His arm was broken. He kept trying to walk. His feet where twisted out of place due to his broken talus and tarsus. It was unreal. The car lay upside down in the ditch of a dirt road. Why was I led to this place? I was angry, shocked, depressed, shaken by my surroundings. I wished I had stayed home that night........But I didnt, I was here. Standing here accepting the consequences. Help me up, as he tries to use his mangled arm to push off the rocky ground. Then he falls back down. All I hope is that he cant feel the pain. He refused to announce if anyone else was in the automobile. Apparently he can not feel. His friend cant be saved.  I couldnt even tell it was a car. Do you know this Guy. He doesnt even know himself. So far gone. Take me home. I can not sleep. I cant function. After a Blessing, My troubled soul can finally rest. 




July Can suck it. Its a love hate thing.
I can say 
You did remind me how to feel. 
You reminded me that Karma has a middle name.
You also reminded me how Beautiful This earth can be, although tragic. 


I also rememembered how to forgive and Live. All you need to do is take those few deep breaths.....


And Go. 

No Bad Days.

I know its been too long. Realize my life is busy. It even warns you in the brief description of myself. For the few of you who read my blog, I apologize and will now be updating you. 


It has been wonderful. Maybe I say that way too often. Very rarely do I have bad days. I can probably can count all of them with 3 fingers. Ha. I have days where they start of great, and I dont say much, I just feel like Being. Then there are days I know I will be busy and all day Im trying so hard not to step on toes cause I wont be paying attention to the little things. Then there are days When Iam just there, and no one can get me down. Then there are the bad ones (Rare ones) that I cant remember how they start/end and once its over Iam so grateful to shut my eyes at night. 


I have been Noticing my attachment to my Son grow over the past few months. Its bewildering. I cant get over the fact that I LOVE spending time with him. I took him to Sea World for Spring Break. He loved it!! He has a high ingenuity. Iam not just saying that because iam his mother and he is my son. If I didnt know him, I would admire him so much that I would want a child like him. Maybe its his ability to communicate with me. He knows me now, and I know him. Its fun the relationship we have. When he talks, I understand him to a T. So when he talks and others dont understand him.... Im thinking maybe something is wrong with the others. Ok, sounding like a mom here. Who cares. I love it. Being a mom is the funnest job I have. 


Story time: 
For those who dont know me and want to.... I got pregnant outside of marriage. I lived with Orrins dad for almost a year and we broke up. He moved out, went back to his Ex(of nine years mind you), I went through alot (skipping some info here) and we started seeing each other again. We stopped seeing each other finally & I found out I was preggers, he had no job, he moved in with his Homeboys Girlfriend (he was in jail at the time) who had a new baby. Phew. We didn't talk. I worked. I worked all of the time. Saved up Money. Cause I knew I would be raising my little one on my own. I prepared for the worst. Then he came. I took a 2 month leave from work. It was never as bad as I had planned, being a single parent. We lived alone in a little Apartment in Carrollton. I was Beyond blessed to have an amazing child who started Sleeping thru the night at 2.5 months, walking at 7.5 months, and only sent me to the ER in the middle of the night once. 6 months after I had Orrin Luke Harkey-Barfield, I took his dad to court for child support (which was prob a bad idea, due to the restrictions I have to suffer from). He needed to be involved in his child's life. He needed to help me with all of Orrins Bills, Daycare, Clothes, Diapers and Medical. I had began to Over work myself trying to take care of us and go to school. Orrins dad is Not a Bad dad (trying to be nice). He is very much the same person I met 4 years ago, and has not changed in the slightest. Although since then hes switched Jobs a Number of times and child support comes and goes. Like all of us after a bad decision has been made, I often ask myself...what i was thinking. I even ask What I have to learn from this particular individual. Patience? Forgiveness? Dealing with his father is Frustrating. Not being able to Move wherever I choose is rough. His fathers complaints drive me mad (He doesn't know half of the things I have had to sacrifice and do on my own). I would not trade these experiences for anything else. This Kid can change my mood at the drop of a dime. Hince the reason I rarely have bad days. 


Iam so In love with my son. I cant wait for Heavenly Father to Bless me with a Husband who loves him the same. Hes So Dang Happy about life,his theme songs, school, potty training, Riding our dogs and sleeping dead birds. Hes My grasshopper. My spidey superman. My sugar Love baby. Hes so independent just like Me. He loves his Aunts, Uncles, Nim, Pops, Grandma, Papa, G-daddy, Daddy & Mommy.  


Being a mother is Such a Blessing. 

Seconds.

I wrote a Long Blog while I was on my trip via my android phone. Bad Idea. Deleted. Never even posted. I must say it was amazing. Its never the same the second time. Goes for many other things as well. Weddings. Kisses. Meeting someone for the first/Second time and you forgot their name...You get my drift. 

My mom and Step dad brought something to my attention today. I always ask them for their opinion when im getting dressed. I already know what I like, and which shoe im gonna wear. Its like I need a confirmation, that this choice is the right choice. Then sometimes Im comfortable with my choice and i dont ask for an opinion, but its given....thats when I start second guessing my decisions. They told me I should treat my men like my shoes. Dont settle for what others like, you will have to live with the decision for the rest of your life, you already know what you want.

Flying.

I watched as the Planes took off and disappeared into specks in the sky. The world continued to turn. Without them. Then it was our turn. We took off, and everything below began to shrink. I couldnt tell what kind of cars where driving around, or the sizes of the houses way down. It was so unimportant while I was up there. I liked it up there. Made me think. I didn't matter what
I was leaving down below.  I knew where I was going. Who was going with me. (BY no means did i know the guy I was touching shoulders with) Had it been someone I knew. How did we get here. Did we have the same goals. Where we going to the same place. Our Heavenly father looks down at us...he sees the silly things we consider important, with hopes that we will catch on to the signals hes trying to send us. I get distracted, so easily. I love getting back and remembering that all we take with us is our carry on. ( 22 x 14 x 9 ) Which is not much. Read your scrips Alexandria, learn all you can. Its all your gonna have when you go on to the next life. Your head will never be the size of a carry on. 

Our 2nd Life. The Only thing I can think of that will be better than The First.