Embers.

I love November.

Its beautiful.The feelings.The colors.

Its always a happy month. Not too cold.

Love Pumpkin everything!

Im very content & comfortable.

Although Ive have been struggling financially.

I dont feel like its important enough to freak about.

I have everything I need. My Bills are paid.

I just have nothing to save & nothing to play with.

Im very ok with that. I have nothing to hide.

Because whats most important to me, Im very aware of.

Iam glad I didnt let you get me down.

Its been such an eye opening experience. This past month & a half.

I feel very comfortable with myself. Like I just met me, for the first time.

I like me under pressure. Its been a smooth transition.

It feels good. I feel kept. I felt like Ive been wholesome with my

very little spare time. I feel strong. I have my plan. I like what it looks like. 

Iam heading there.  

This year has been a constant fire burning. Exploding at me with difficulties from every angle. As It closes

the Embers from the detonation are slowly fading. Not me. Iam a steady consistant light among the ash. Holding on. Through out my search this year,(while searching for the wrong things) I did grasp one thing out of the combustion. We will be held responsible for our surrender. The difference between a righteous man & unrighteous man. Is a righteous man is continually repenting, growing, and striving to become better. Unrighteous thinks he is done repenting & believes in an end to the work toward glory, when there is Not. We must keep crawling, falling, and reaching.

Good things are Here. I can feel it burning within me. I KNOW IT. I am so Excited & thankful for these changes.

RoadKill.

I knew what I wanted to start with. Thats where I always start. I never know where I want to go with it, but after falling asleep with a head swollen with new forms of chagrin. I have no idea how im going to make it through my day. NO, like seriously. 


It seems like we find ourselves aimlessly wandering in the dark, not knowing what path we are on. Where we are heading. Whats around the corner. Then those headlights come quicker than ever, and all you can do is freeze because you don't want to go back where you came from, and you don't know what lies ahead. 


This can all be avoided.


I don't know what to say about the past couple of months. I draw a blank. Which happens alot apparently. Maybe I should start with the past year. Since its all I can think about and is coming to a close. 
I have been living with my parentals. Which has been so helpful since I needed to get back on my feet. Stressful beyond understanding, because I take pride in being independent.
I have always been on my own and moving back in with them was a humbling experience, because regardless of what we want to admit.


We all need help. 


Thats hard for me to admit. I'am hard headed, opinionated, prideful, unbiased, and angry at times. (I have good character too, the bad is what most of us run from) I have been hiding it. Trying to Live past it. I have been angry at myself for a while. I have let go of things that are of value to me. The year started off great and things that matter casually began to dissipate from my grasp. All too abruptly, good things started to present opportunity. I wasn't ready. I was caught in those headlights. Stuck. We all know what happens from there. 


Due to my foul discrimination. I wasn't ready for the abundant blessings that where being placed in my path. Undeserving Iam and my Heavenly Father still loves me, and puts good before me. I now realize there is no easy way. He knows me all to well. He knows my strong mind, he knows my strength and that iam capable. Hes not going to hand me the answers. I have to find them out. I need his help, ALL of the time. 


Smeared across the Pavement, is where I have found myself. Like a baby fox, gone astray from my safe protective pack. Tainting the concrete. Because I let go, each time. The only difference between us is, baby fox has been obliterated, lacerated never to breathe again. I have been forgiven, redeemed and can stand again. The act of wandering to the dark road is all the same. If we wander in the light we can see further ahead. 


Roadkill; To be or not to be.

Take a Deep Breath.

I know Its been forever and a day. I have been Talking about Writing you guys, Iam ashamed to say I couldnt deliver. My wise words get lost in my head. I cant put them together and then they dont come out right.


Tonight is no different than the others. Except for I have time. 


Summer. I hate it. Mainly because theres kids running around everywhere. If you know me. You know I dont like other peoples kids. They are bad, and I cant spank them. Secondly summer is hated by me because things get jumbled, no organization, no strict schedules etc... I cant blame anyone but myself. I knew it would happen. I prayed to have guidance over the summer, and forgot to go half way. Im sure it was there, I just didnt make time to listen. This summer has sucked. I have had great nights, met amazing people, seen beautiful places, seen tragedy, cried over my grandmother, and have felt hope. Hope that things can always and will always change. Thats the beauty of this life. 




*Take a deep breath* My grandmother shes dying. Its sad, its hard. Being the person Iam, Iam very comfortable with death. Its probably because of my beliefs. Its harder to see her bleeding, hurting, and unresponsive, then to watch her die. I think she is content and will be happy with what is waiting for her. I remember growing up with her around and I am so grateful to have her here today. I do need to thank her for raising my amazing father along with his brothers and sisters. They are beautiful loving people and I would not be the woman Iam had she not demanded that they know the Lord. Iam grateful for her struggle for she has made mine, but a walk among many others. I love You Juanita Cobb Harkey. 


*Take a deep fresh breath of air* I love it here. Its Green. Its happy and I can sleep all day. Its raining. This is crazy. We are not in Texas anymore. Everyone is happy, of course we arent in Texas. Dance for me. I love this song. Sing to Me. Are you ok? Hes sexy. My legs hurt. I cant walk. Stem Please. I love you bestie. Thrust dance. Porch swing. Guitar. Can I keep you. This food sucks. Sing it Pastor. Why is she crying? Reading a good book. Happy Anniversary. Whos hand was that? Riding in cars with Boys. Dirt Road anthem. Enigma. Blueberry pancakes. Over Hard Bacon. Bear sightings. Wait for me. Dont let me talk to him. She did what? undisclosed desires. Heeeres Krejci! Lmbo. Half bubbles please. Round bed Morning meetings. He needs to slow down. Imma Bad driver. Stop talking. Tennessee Ill Be back. You Owe me. 


*Take another deep breath* He was broken in pieces. I dont even think he knows how he got there. He was laying on the rocks. Begging us to take of his shoes, where there were none. The flames lit up the night sky. You could hear the sirens still miles away. How was he crawling? His arm was broken. He kept trying to walk. His feet where twisted out of place due to his broken talus and tarsus. It was unreal. The car lay upside down in the ditch of a dirt road. Why was I led to this place? I was angry, shocked, depressed, shaken by my surroundings. I wished I had stayed home that night........But I didnt, I was here. Standing here accepting the consequences. Help me up, as he tries to use his mangled arm to push off the rocky ground. Then he falls back down. All I hope is that he cant feel the pain. He refused to announce if anyone else was in the automobile. Apparently he can not feel. His friend cant be saved.  I couldnt even tell it was a car. Do you know this Guy. He doesnt even know himself. So far gone. Take me home. I can not sleep. I cant function. After a Blessing, My troubled soul can finally rest. 




July Can suck it. Its a love hate thing.
I can say 
You did remind me how to feel. 
You reminded me that Karma has a middle name.
You also reminded me how Beautiful This earth can be, although tragic. 


I also rememembered how to forgive and Live. All you need to do is take those few deep breaths.....


And Go. 

No Bad Days.

I know its been too long. Realize my life is busy. It even warns you in the brief description of myself. For the few of you who read my blog, I apologize and will now be updating you. 


It has been wonderful. Maybe I say that way too often. Very rarely do I have bad days. I can probably can count all of them with 3 fingers. Ha. I have days where they start of great, and I dont say much, I just feel like Being. Then there are days I know I will be busy and all day Im trying so hard not to step on toes cause I wont be paying attention to the little things. Then there are days When Iam just there, and no one can get me down. Then there are the bad ones (Rare ones) that I cant remember how they start/end and once its over Iam so grateful to shut my eyes at night. 


I have been Noticing my attachment to my Son grow over the past few months. Its bewildering. I cant get over the fact that I LOVE spending time with him. I took him to Sea World for Spring Break. He loved it!! He has a high ingenuity. Iam not just saying that because iam his mother and he is my son. If I didnt know him, I would admire him so much that I would want a child like him. Maybe its his ability to communicate with me. He knows me now, and I know him. Its fun the relationship we have. When he talks, I understand him to a T. So when he talks and others dont understand him.... Im thinking maybe something is wrong with the others. Ok, sounding like a mom here. Who cares. I love it. Being a mom is the funnest job I have. 


Story time: 
For those who dont know me and want to.... I got pregnant outside of marriage. I lived with Orrins dad for almost a year and we broke up. He moved out, went back to his Ex(of nine years mind you), I went through alot (skipping some info here) and we started seeing each other again. We stopped seeing each other finally & I found out I was preggers, he had no job, he moved in with his Homeboys Girlfriend (he was in jail at the time) who had a new baby. Phew. We didn't talk. I worked. I worked all of the time. Saved up Money. Cause I knew I would be raising my little one on my own. I prepared for the worst. Then he came. I took a 2 month leave from work. It was never as bad as I had planned, being a single parent. We lived alone in a little Apartment in Carrollton. I was Beyond blessed to have an amazing child who started Sleeping thru the night at 2.5 months, walking at 7.5 months, and only sent me to the ER in the middle of the night once. 6 months after I had Orrin Luke Harkey-Barfield, I took his dad to court for child support (which was prob a bad idea, due to the restrictions I have to suffer from). He needed to be involved in his child's life. He needed to help me with all of Orrins Bills, Daycare, Clothes, Diapers and Medical. I had began to Over work myself trying to take care of us and go to school. Orrins dad is Not a Bad dad (trying to be nice). He is very much the same person I met 4 years ago, and has not changed in the slightest. Although since then hes switched Jobs a Number of times and child support comes and goes. Like all of us after a bad decision has been made, I often ask myself...what i was thinking. I even ask What I have to learn from this particular individual. Patience? Forgiveness? Dealing with his father is Frustrating. Not being able to Move wherever I choose is rough. His fathers complaints drive me mad (He doesn't know half of the things I have had to sacrifice and do on my own). I would not trade these experiences for anything else. This Kid can change my mood at the drop of a dime. Hince the reason I rarely have bad days. 


Iam so In love with my son. I cant wait for Heavenly Father to Bless me with a Husband who loves him the same. Hes So Dang Happy about life,his theme songs, school, potty training, Riding our dogs and sleeping dead birds. Hes My grasshopper. My spidey superman. My sugar Love baby. Hes so independent just like Me. He loves his Aunts, Uncles, Nim, Pops, Grandma, Papa, G-daddy, Daddy & Mommy.  


Being a mother is Such a Blessing. 

Seconds.

I wrote a Long Blog while I was on my trip via my android phone. Bad Idea. Deleted. Never even posted. I must say it was amazing. Its never the same the second time. Goes for many other things as well. Weddings. Kisses. Meeting someone for the first/Second time and you forgot their name...You get my drift. 

My mom and Step dad brought something to my attention today. I always ask them for their opinion when im getting dressed. I already know what I like, and which shoe im gonna wear. Its like I need a confirmation, that this choice is the right choice. Then sometimes Im comfortable with my choice and i dont ask for an opinion, but its given....thats when I start second guessing my decisions. They told me I should treat my men like my shoes. Dont settle for what others like, you will have to live with the decision for the rest of your life, you already know what you want.

Flying.

I watched as the Planes took off and disappeared into specks in the sky. The world continued to turn. Without them. Then it was our turn. We took off, and everything below began to shrink. I couldnt tell what kind of cars where driving around, or the sizes of the houses way down. It was so unimportant while I was up there. I liked it up there. Made me think. I didn't matter what
I was leaving down below.  I knew where I was going. Who was going with me. (BY no means did i know the guy I was touching shoulders with) Had it been someone I knew. How did we get here. Did we have the same goals. Where we going to the same place. Our Heavenly father looks down at us...he sees the silly things we consider important, with hopes that we will catch on to the signals hes trying to send us. I get distracted, so easily. I love getting back and remembering that all we take with us is our carry on. ( 22 x 14 x 9 ) Which is not much. Read your scrips Alexandria, learn all you can. Its all your gonna have when you go on to the next life. Your head will never be the size of a carry on. 

Our 2nd Life. The Only thing I can think of that will be better than The First.

Beautiful the Mess we are.

Heres something you dont know about me.

 I can sleep anywhere when provoked. 

But really. Something People have no idea about is....

I think Everyone is Beautiful. Everyone. GORGEOUS. Of course until they ruin it by opening their mouths. I meet new people and I admire individuality. Its so cool. Our faces are so different. I look at people, its so simple to have a pair of eyes, ears, a mouth, nose and hair (or not). We are all made up of the same things but we appear so different. The Lord is a genius. What we consider beautiful is different. I love diversity. I love the history. Each person has a different story, you never know what you will find out. You can learn so much from one person. I think its interesting to hear how people have it so hard, and their trials are harder than the next. I think if we all stood in a circle threw our problems in and said have what you will... all of us would take ours back quickly. We are all of equal worth. We are never given a problem we can not overcome. We are all here for the same reason. The Lord did not send us here to fail, he knows what we can handle. The Lord did not send us here alone. We have not the slightest idea of how blessed we are....

Which brings me to the topic that each one of us are here for a reason. I met you, ran into you, shook your hand, or opened your door for a reason. I was meant for this place and time for a specific reason. Isn't it great to know that out of the Trillion of people on this earth our God knows us each individually? Each person that we come into contact with will affect us in a way whether it be positive or negative. Our lives are good, and will continue to be if we let them be. 

I have learned that complaining, bickering, angry words, yelling and back biting gets you no where. If you are positive about everything, and have faith... I promise you all will be well. Turn over your problems to the Lord and STOP....Stop thinking so hard about this deadline, stop thinking about how your gonna finish, stop staying awake late nights, stop saying no one will ever love you, stop thinking about it all and hand it over to the Lord. I have had to do this on countless occasions. 

I love this Article....I hope you take the time to read it....It may not be relevant to my rambling but.....it has alot to do with how we live our lives and how we can still be distinct persons and still believe & live the gospel. http://www.mormonwomen.com/2011/02/09/marching-to-her-own-drum/       

OneRepublic.Good life.    My song of the Week. 

The Windows We hide behind....

Counterfeit. We all suffer from it. Somewhere along the lines of growing up and finding ourselves, we lost ourselves in an Image. Whats Ok, Whats not ok, What gets us by, what gets us attention and more importantly....What gets us what we want. Fictitious.

Its Sad Actually.
I see it all too often. We are afraid to accept ourselves. So we make New ones. We pretend to be someone everyone wants to be around. We do stupid things that are accepted by society. IE... Throwing ourselves at men (heaven forbid), Chasing women, Putting others down, Rumors, Drinking....etc. I will never understand why some people thinks these habits are so important.

Its Smart Actually.
We talk ourselves up. We pretend we are the Best at everything. We cover our insecurities with pompous prosperity. We are all on the same planet, &You are not better than the next. When are we going to accept that our fellowman, is equal to the worth of our own.  This grants an invented assurance. Which in some cases goes to our heads. One of the Very reasons I enjoy being unrelentingly honest.

Its Humbling Actually.
As we accept these things about ourselves. We blossom, We learn what matters, Who will be around, Who loves us, and what we can become. We break through these windows that we hide behind. These identities that cover the beautiful divergent spirits we where born with...

I have to admit. I have been one of these Forged persons in my past. I was not raised this way, Its the same excuse we have to every question our parents ask us....I forgot. I forgot that I was loved Continuously, Forever and ever, To no end...... Ive been through alot. Im not going to tell you about it, cause its none of your business. Remember Folks this is not a confessional. I just want you to remember though (let me repeat myself) I been through alot. So if your in my life, welcome. If not leave me alone, really. I dont favor silly people. I like being alone (figuratively speaking, as in I dont always have to be with someone, friends all the time... etc) I like knowing where I stand and how I can improve. I like being in control of my future. I know what is important to me. I know what matters in this life and what is a waste of time. I appreciate my trials. I am grateful to have overcome them. I hope to be a representation to others that struggle with accepting themselves or their habits. Change is good and it FEELS even better. Let me tell you, If feels so good to be Myself. Free from the chains that used to bind me to imposition.

In no way is this post intended to be negative...So I apologize for YOUR misinterpretation. That includes my previous blogs as well. If you have any questions Please ask. Oh and If i must Say it....IAM NOT PERFECT, or EVEN RIGHT, THIS IS JUST MY THOUGHTS.

Accepting the Consequences.

So this morning, I had planned on blogging because truth be told. I like this. I had this long blog written with stories and such...Blah Blah. It took me a while to write but it was irrelevant. I had to slap myself and Remind me that no one cares. Save it, Cause this is not a confessional.

So I promise. No boring stories based from the past. (Unless of course Learning and realizations are involved) Those things are to be left where they are...

One thing I do love to write about is the Gospel and Our beliefs. When I say our, It is in reference to us Latter Day Saints aka Mormons. Yes, Iam a Mormon. I enjoy dabbling in the continual learning required for the Immense vastness, yet unapparent simplicity involved in our church. I love it. The awakenings I acquire through new testament. The feelings I receive when I finally understand something. Knowing that I will never know everything there is to know, and this voyage is a constant learning experience.

Suffering comes from our inability to accept consequences.

Heard the phrase a few days ago. It has stuck with me, because like others I struggle with letting go and moving on. All of us struggle with CHANGE due to the suffering from past occurances, whether it be a situation where as someone has wronged us, or a decision that has left us feeling regret.
As we live our lives to enhance & change another's not only are we doing a good to them, but to ourselves. Change & acceptance are part of our growing experience. We may not notice but as we serve others without reason, with love, and because they are our brother... we are becoming more like Christ. Extend to those in need. In doing so we will put joy in their hearts & in turn we will feel the blessings we receive when we help others through this life. As we do these and other small simple things we will lose clutch of our sufferings and no longer remember them. Also remember we can't be forgiven until we forgive, but it all starts with forgiving yourself.

From todays State conference. A few of my thoughts & feelings, mixed with The words of our prophet. Along with that marvelous quote. These are personal Thoughts people...

You are allowed to disagree, just keep it to yourself.

Hello There....

I like to Write alot. I dont have much time to always grab my journal, find a pen and write down what im thinking....I often find myself searching for something on this Darn Computer. So here I will type my thoughts. Today you will learn about me. Here I can be brutally honest.
I hope your ready for the Spice.

So me. Simply put. I am insecure. Sucks i know. Not about everything just a select few things. I feel like I need to recognize them in order to overcome them. This Blog and my Speech class has to help somehow.
Anda:
I dont care much for others feelings, to spare them.
There are Trillions of ppl on this world, if you dont shape up someone will....
I feel like I have to have different genres of freinds.
I like having Options (which has alot to do with my insecurities)
I am selfish.
I believe in not being second, to anyone.

Insecurities:
That although im beautiful, whomever iam with will always see other women (its happened before).
I will not be able to accomplish enough to be interesting.
Iam afraid that as a single mother I wont be able to impact my sons life.
Dont like When people think they are better than me.
As common as it is, im afraid i wont be able to finish school...This is where the challenge starts.

These past few weeks, I have been trying to re-mold my priorities. Cause most of the things I listed above ^^^ arent even in the slightest way important.
My Goal this year is Sacrifice. Period. Trying to be selfless.
In my eyes this consists of -->Put the Lord first and his children. Pay my tithes. Pray Always. Early to bed. NO cursing, judging, or boys. Period. He will provide. I think if i can do these simple things, everything else will slowly fall into place. I just have a Sass Attitude to lose in the process.
Im angry, opinionated & Mean and I want to drop it of on the Corner with Five bucks and tell him to find a new freind. Im moving on.
I mean 70% of the time Iam content. Iam talking about the other 30% ... the times when I let my emotions/doubt from past experiences over power, the person I have slowly become....

I like who Iam Now.